Right now, I’m on the brink of an emotional torment. Seeing me vulnerable and lifeless, all I can ask for is for someone to actually save me, or even just talk to me, and feel his empathic response back at me. I know I’m so much young to actually feel all this complex emotions but still, I can frankly say that I’m nowhere near ok. I’m nowhere in the midst of saying that I am fully functional, that a part of me now is actually damaged of some unknown force and although I can smile and actually laugh along friends and some jokes, I am depressed, that I am actually reaching out for something that could actually save me from this mud of exasperation.
I am fleeting in a grey sky, where nothing is certain, where I am seeing a lot of thunderclouds and pouring rain. The weather jives in to what I am feeling – somehow, the only one left to actually bear with me is myself. I’m tired – physically, mentally, and now emotionally. Life’s getting all my happiness, the last thing that I think can actually heal me right now is for a new start. That by baby steps, I could actually let myself free again from this torment, that day by day, I can actually tell myself how to grow as an individual, to learn how to actually let go in times like this where all I could depend on is me.
Time flies so fast when you are a student of medicine. Time flies so fast that you don’t even know yourself anymore. With a lot of things to do and finish, a lot to read about, of compromising your social life over something so serious, sometimes, I would think that I’m emotionally scarred, where I am venturing into the unknown battle to prove myself that somehow I can be oblivious and live through this and to actually fulfill my dreams of becoming a doctor someday. I needed a breather, I need an emotional confidante to know where I am going now, to actually tell someone that I’m vulnerable and fragile right now and I needed someone to actually hear me right now. Well, I just can’t figure that someone right now. But before anything else, I have to actually make myself ready that if I’ll trust someone I have to actually make ready myself that somehow if I have to get things done, I only have me to blame, me to accept the consequences with and me to actually solve everything.
Now, as another semester starts, all I just want to for me to actually unwind, feel the winds blowing and enjoy the well-lived experience. I should be able to actually hold on to the experience, and feel that as good as it gets, I’m still near my goals, that maybe I really am meant to be single unless there’s someone out there for me, someone really proud and strong to say that I am really worth fighting and waiting for. Now with all these drama, with all these crap on my mind right now, maybe out of all the people I knew who are actually far off than me, I mean I might as well still be thankful for the cherished moments, to continue reaching for my goals using small steps, and actually to at least know that I can still feel emotions, I’m still not numb and love has its own time, but maybe it’s not now.
Better to actually be in the bliss of whatever’s there than to be a cold hearted fellow how can’t even dissociate between being cynical and being enigmatic of the situation.
